Crossing Over From the Dark Side
Do you know what liminality means? I didn’t. I am glad that I found out, it has a pretty awesome meaning.
“The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One’s sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed – a situation which can lead to new perspectives. People, places, or things may not complete a transition, or a transition between two states may not be fully possible. Those who remain in a state between two other states may become permanently liminal” –wikipedia
What does that mean to me? My life has changed drastically in the past year. Last year at this time I was living with a man who I thought I would marry, being unhappy and dealing with it because i loved our friends we had together. I loved our vacations and our life we had.. but there was always something missing. I was in a dead end job, and I hated every second of it. I never saw my friends because my boyfriend didn’t really like them. I spent all of my time with him doing absolutely nothing; wasting away like I was on my death bed.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I was what my boyfriend told me to be. I acted how he told me to act. I did everything because it was just easier then hearing him lecture me.
Here I am only one year later, and everything is completely different. Single, living with my best friend, at a job that I love, and content. It was a long and tough journey and I thought I wouldn’t make it for a long time.
I was so weak. I would dream about how one day I would be out of that situation and I would be strong enough to move on with my life. The transition was horrible. The worst & hardest decision of my life. I packed up my entire apartment and left.
I like the meaning of liminality because it reminds a lot of things that have happened to me and friends over the past year. I am again beginning to figure out who I am again. My confidence level has gone up dramatically. I am not afraid to say what’s on my mind. I am beginning to love me how I am, and not how someone tells me I should be. Faults and all.
My dreams are much bigger than ever before. Although my ex was not holding me back, I felt like I couldn’t do certain things because he wouldn’t be apart of it and the fact that I felt bad about that, held me back from doing what I wanted to do. I am 24 years old, I am not married, I am not engaged, I have no kids. I am not obligated to anything. I should be able to be free and do whatever it is that I want, whenever.
One day I will find the one who will want to do it all with me.
But until that day, I will continue to do it on my own, with whomever would like to join. But I will wait for no one. I will be held back by no one.
Life is short and you have to live while you’re alive.