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Crossing Over From the Dark Side

February 13, 2010

Do you know what liminality means? I didn’t. I am glad that I found out, it has a pretty awesome meaning.

“The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One’s sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed – a situation which can lead to new perspectives. People, places, or things may not complete a transition, or a transition between two states may not be fully possible. Those who remain in a state between two other states may become permanently liminal” —wikipedia
What does that mean to me? My life has changed drastically in the past year. Last year at this time I was living with a man who I thought I would marry, being unhappy and dealing with it because i loved our friends we had together. I loved our vacations and our life we had.. but there was always something missing. I was in a dead end job, and I hated every second of it. I never saw my friends because my boyfriend didn’t really like them. I spent all of my time with him doing absolutely nothing; wasting away like I was on my death bed.

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

I was what my boyfriend told me to be. I acted how he told me to act. I did everything because it was just easier then hearing him lecture me.

Here I am only one year later, and everything is completely different. Single, living with my best friend, at a job that I love, and content. It was a long and tough journey and I thought I wouldn’t make it for a long time.

I was so weak. I would dream about how one day I would be out of that situation and I would be strong enough to move on with my life. The transition was horrible. The worst & hardest decision of my life. I packed up my entire apartment and left.

I like the meaning of liminality because it reminds a lot of things that have happened to me and friends over the past year. I am again beginning to figure out who I am again. My confidence level has gone up dramatically. I am not afraid to say what’s on my mind. I am beginning to love me how I am, and not how someone tells me I should be. Faults and all.

My dreams are much bigger than ever before. Although my ex was not holding me back, I felt like I couldn’t do certain things because he wouldn’t be apart of it and the fact that I felt bad about that, held me back from doing what I wanted to do. I am 24 years old, I am not married, I am not engaged, I have no kids. I am not obligated to anything. I should be able to be free and do whatever it is that I want, whenever.

One day I will find the one who will want to do it all with me.

But until that day, I will continue to do it on my own, with whomever would like to join. But I will wait for no one. I will be held back by no one.

Life is short and you have to live while you’re alive.

xoox

Jen (novelista)


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7 Comments leave one →
  1. February 13, 2010 3:23 pm

    Interesting definition of liminality. I’ve never heard that before. And I relate. I’ve been in some of those times recently where everything changed and I felt disoriented and not like myself anymore (for good or bad). I’m glad to know I have a word for it now.

  2. February 13, 2010 6:22 pm

    A very brave post. Sometimes it scares me if I have been missing something. But I guess that’s life. We get confused sometimes and one day we just break free.

  3. February 13, 2010 11:29 pm

    This is really interesting, at the moment it feels like I might never change from this state but I’m working on it. Really glad to hear you are living a more confident, content life now, you’re very brave and honest!

  4. February 15, 2010 6:51 pm

    you just described my life one year ago. thank you so much for your definition of the word. I was saying that I was numb. to everything, everyone. liminality is the perfect description of what I was.

    thank you.

  5. theroughdiamonds permalink*
    February 16, 2010 3:34 am

    thanks for liking my post 🙂 🙂

  6. Nickeydia permalink
    August 9, 2010 12:23 am

    I wish I could be as brave as you one day

  7. November 12, 2011 2:47 pm

    Oh wow, your words hit such a chord with me. I was in a very similar relationship, and now I’m living in London trying to know my dreams enough to live them, without looking back too much. Good luck with your new life, the most amazing possibilities stretch out before you. x

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